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I want to share my journey through being married to an addict, my own codependency that developed and my recovery from that. And when love didn’t seem to be enough, I begged you. It will take more than one post so I hope you don’t mind if this subject takes a few spots over the next few weeks. I’ve been wanting to write this post for a very long time. My head is swimming with so much I want to say and so much I don’t want said. Some memories I think are important to share, while other memories I hope will fade away in time, but cannot if written in the ink of the internet. (between the usual fun stuff, of course) I think the best way to begin is with this letter I wrote nearly 3 years ago.
You gave me promises of when you would change and how you would change.
but sometimes you made me smile so big I could hardly contain it so I tried finding a cure. I screamed at you and tried convincing you with harsh words.
sometimes a little sometimes a lot sometimes it hurt so bad I had to curl up in ball and just try to sob hard enough that I couldn’t feel my chest. I figured out deadlines, made boundaries and threatened you.
I covered for you, made up for you, vouched for you. I still didn’t give up although, my heart did broken.
I left you and tried convincing you with loneliness.
I smiled at you and tried convincing you with kind words I stood by you and tried convincing you with loyalty.