His desire to leave his family was out of character for the man we all believed him to be, so we just continued to pray. Satan always has a plan for our lives that runs parallel to the plan God desires for us, and Josh was running full force along the path Satan had laid out for him.
My heart towards my husband remained soft, in spite of the circumstances. Feeling remorse wasn’t even a blip on his radar; he was going to live the life he always dreamed of.
Josh sleeping around and waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Satan has dreams for us, too, and Josh was fulfilling all of his dreams.
[Read Part 1 of Serena’s story] Josh called me one afternoon to meet him at the park; he wanted to tell me the whole truth. The affair in 2006 had not actually been his first, but his third.
He shared with me how he never told me the truth about his addiction to pornography before we were married (even though I had questioned him about it).
This was not problem; it had nothing to do with me being a bad wife. I am sure he had feelings of hopelessness in spite of his lies.
Having been addicted to pornography for 15 years and having no lasting victory…what is the point of trying? The things Josh would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it. I read to them from the Bible about the Prodigal Son, and how this was a picture of Daddy.
I didn’t scream and yell, even though inside I did.When I left the park I felt emotionally drained, but I was learning Josh’s addictions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.Prodigals leave home and forget where they come from .They leave home and live like the devil, and leave the ones they care about behind. But when the prodigal comes home he is welcomed with open arms, completely forgiven. His choices certainly weren’t wise ones, but he wasn’t about to admit defeat.
This is a revelation that kept me going, even when things felt like they were entirely my fault.
I knew we had to start with the truth, no matter how ugly. His heart was so hardened, and he had given up fighting.